Sunday, June 10, 2012

Expectation: A Grammar Lesson

Expectation.   [èk spek táysh'n ]
(Noun).  The expectation of something happening.
Plural:  Expectations.

Somewhere in my twenties, I decided to keep them low.

Because expecting good creates pressure.   To perform.  To achieve.  To do what it takes to arrive at that good place.  To desire. 

Which feels so very risky.

Expecting less-than-the-best seems much safer.  Creates the illusion of protecting me from disappointment.  From questions.   From the self-doubt that accompanies failure.

I want to believe my expectation bears no impact on what actually occurs.  That it is merely in the mind.   Inconsequential.  Maybe immaterial.

Synonym:  Probability.

I am learning that expectation is not an abstraction. 

No, it is concrete.  Tangible.

Expectation is the very real horizon at which I direct my gaze. 

And where my eyes go determines the direction of my feet.  Of my heart.   Of my life.

So now, in my forties, I am being called to something new .  To take the risk.  To allow myself to hope. 

Even when the hoping is hard to justify.